In reading the blog of a former friend I came across something completely unexpected...he wrote:
"I remember a former friend who openly and regularly stated that she hated white people and me, by extension, or at least part of me. I understand her resentment toward white culture, but her disdain for me as an individual was at some point cruel and destructive. She couldn’t see past it. I don’t want to be like that."
So these words obviously affect me because they are about me.... they cut deep enough for me to write an entry on a blog I've neglected for the past 6 months. I knew right away these words hurt me, but it took me a while to process and to deconstruct how this somehow got past the admittedly massive walls I've used in the past to barricade my emotions. I think I understand why...
Although my first reaction to any sort of personal criticism (that is, when people come at what I understand to be my character or any essential part of myself) is to become incredibly defensive, and think of as many counter arguments as is humanly possible within a given minute to prove that I am fundamentally a good person, that is only my first reaction.
Good person or not, what bothers me about his comment is that it contains two irrefutable truths:
1) I have stated that I hate White people, or more accurately, "White folks"...even in the presence of "White" people.
2)Hatred of individuals is cruel and destructive.
Granted, both times I can remember saying these exact words, it was only after a White friend said it first in conversations surrounding race and ignorance, I'm not sure that hatred of people can be justified. Actually I am sure that it cannot be.
If I could, I would apologize for the way that I phrased what I said. I DO NOT HATE WHITE PEOPLE, because I do not hate people.
I hate Injustice, Discrimination, Subjugation, Unequal Access, Assumed Privilege...and in this sense: Whiteness, separate from, but purposefully ascribed and attached to particular humans...and removed from others. "White People" are White not because of any specific biological indicators, but rather, because society chooses to attach this signifier to people who exhibit certain phenotypic traits. What does White signify? After 4 years of intense study and research on this exact question I can reduce this signifier to one word: normal. Everything outside of White, is Black and everything outside of normal is abnormal. Complicating this analysis is the ways in which the exercise of power is policed by these articulations of normal and abnormal. Normality is given hegemonic power to define and redefine what it essentially is, and more powerfully, what it isn't.
In conversations of race and racism it is difficult to separate Whiteness in practice from White individuals. Yet, here's what I've come to know: Whiteness as a signifier is a choice; while it is socially assigned, it may be individually contested, redefined or rejected. Along the same lines non-Whites who (in line with this racial logic on which our country was founded) subconsciously view the world in this White-normal, Black (in the sense of any non-normal, or non-White individuals)-abnormal paradigm may also ascribe to Whiteness. Think Clarence Thomas...Tiger Woods....Bill Cosby...Asianess in America and the idea of the model minority...these individuals and groups claim "I'm not Black, I'm normal" all the while reinforcing Blackness as abnormal, as either something to deny, erase, or surpress.
I love my White friends. I love that they are White. I hate their Whiteness. It becomes more apparent with some friends than others. With most, it is most apparent in the White guilt that predisposes them to take any critique of socially constructed Whiteness as personal assault (as with Luke and others)...that feeling that tells them that to say Whiteness is evil means that they are fundamentally evil because they are White. Wrong. White people and colored people who have been given access to Whiteness in that they appear "normal" unlike those other Hispanics, Asians, Blacks and whatnot, may choose to be aware of the power dynamics of this country, and what it means to categorize movies with predominantly Black casts as Black and White casts as normal, or to fail to categorize these movies at all because they are so normal. Whiteness is the privilege to ignore these truths and the power to make everybody else ignore them too. This what I hate.
The truth of the matter is, in merely living life certain people have Whiteness thrusted on them. To an extent I am able to ascribe to Whiteness in merely attending Northwestern. On a resume it says, "Hey look, I may have have tan skin, but inside I'm normal... because I went to a school that indoctrinated me with normality...and I excel at the normal, just look at how "well" I write and how "articulate" I am. I'm not abnormal, not "ghetto" at all."
In hating Whiteness, I am hating the man-made standard that there is a definite set of foods, words (pronunciation and spellings), physical traits, media, and cultural practices that are normal and by default good, and that anything outside of this list is bad, abnormal, inferior, savage or dangerous. And this last point is why I will always hate Whiteness, the representation of the "abnormals" or the "other" as dangerous, criminal, threatnening, sub-human and whatnot persists in disparate education, hate crimes, prison industrial complexes, rampant preventable diseases, deadly economic policies under globalization and the like.
For so long people in the Black community have been told to assimilate, and become normal that now we look at each other and ask "Why can't you just be normal?" "If you ain't got no..."We say "Learn to speak properly...because you are reinforcing stereotypes that Blacks can't be well-spoken" It took me forever to understand that my anger even in uttering such critiques to my little cousins or friends wasn't that they weren't conforming to the standard, but rather the imposition of the standard in the first place. And now I see Whiteness as that standard, so I'm mad at Whiteness and I think it should be eradicated.
This isn't the Black Power, Black Supremacy sort of approach that tries to prove that Black is better, because after all Blackness was created from Whiteness...if you elminate Whiteness, Blackness goes along with it. Blackness as it has been appropriated by Black people is beautiful protest to ugly power. If ugly power disappears, there is no need for beautiful protest.
I am not talking about post-racial societies in the traditional sense, because often people who use this term refer only to the elimation of Blackness in a widespread assimilation attempt. I always want to ask people what language people speak in their fantasies of "post racial" societies. Bet you it's English. Rather, I imagine a society where Spanish is no longer stigmatized for it's association with "abnormality". Can't stuff just be neutral? Can't fried chicken be yummy? Can big lips and butts be beautiful? Can Spanish just be a language?...true not all Hispanic people speak Spanish and not all Black people have big lips, not all Asian people are smart and pre college Brittny wasn't the biggest fan of fried chicken, but what's with our preoccupation with fighting the pervasiveness of stereotypes? What we are really saying is "these traits are learned or even forced not inherent...but regardless, they are meaningless until we give them meaning. Stop making them mean bad stuff and we'll stop complaining about their pervasiveness."
The bottom line is, I do not hate White people but I understand how articulations of anger directed at Whiteness can be interpreted as personal assualt even when they aren't meant that way. What I want to say though, to be clear, is that Whiteness is in fact personal assault. I am more than willing to aplogize for injury caused by my poor choice of words in regards to hating White people. At the time, I didn't understand how to articualte the injury caused by White bodies attached to Whiteness. At some point it would be nice if somebody would apologize for Whiteness....
In a comedy skit, Chris Rock opens with "there's a war goin on, it's Black people and then it's Niggaz and Niggaz have got to go." I respectfully dissent: "it's White people and then it's Whiteness and Whiteness has got to go."
Monday, March 1, 2010
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Home is where the hope is.
I believe there is something inside of all human beings, an inherent desire, to be fulfilled. For me, often a large part of feeling fulfilled results from what I see as my performance. The problem is that for many, myself included, even in working to attain those things we desire, we are seldom satisfied. We seldom feel fulfilled. It would seem that the presence of this desire to be fulfilled points to the fact that there is a source of fulfillment somewhere. Yet as a Christian, I am learning that lasting fulfillment is not the result of my perfect performance but perfect surrender to the one God who is, in his very definition, fulfillment. I am learning to truly believe the verse that reminds us "the fullness of joy" may only be found IN God.
Christianity is unique in that it positions contentment, joy, and fulfillment not as qualities to strive for, but as gifts to be received if we find ourselves located in the right place, that is, located in God. We don't really have a right to get angry at God if we miss these gifts because we have removed ourselves from the proper place. Nor does it profit us to be angry at ourselves when we "miss our package" because we aren't home at the designated time. Rather, we need to make sure that we return and STAY in the place we need to be so that we can receive the gifts we're entitled to as children of the King, and joint-heirs with Christ.
These videos impacted me, because they all...though in admittedly cheesy ways... depict people "returning home" and in the process, finding that joy, hope, and fulfillment they've been struggling to find:
1) "Pass Me Not"- Fantasia singing...
This song gets me sometimes because it articulates the desperation we feel in finally coming to God. It's like we're saying "Ok God, I came. I'm here. Now I need you to remember your promise and hear me when I'm calling... and ultimately he Always does. Always.
2) "Father Can You Hear Me?" from Tyler Perry's "Diary of a Mad Black Woman"
Watch Video on Youtube: HERE
What I love about this scene (even though I've never seen the movie...shhhh...don't tell it) is that the song starts of with people questioning whether God really hears us, and ends in surrender. At the end of it all, "We will say YES"
3) "Now Behold the Lamb" from the movie " The Gospel"
No matter who we are, where we are, or what we've done, because God loves us with a greater and deeper love than any parent has ever exhibited for any child, anyone and everyone can choose to come back to the place of forgiveness and grace, of hope and joy and of fulfillment. His offer to return to the home he has provided within himself is available to all.
Honestly, I really can't even express with words how much it means that my happiness doesn't come from my ability to make myself smile. My strength doesn't come from my own wherewithal...if it did, as soon as i got tired or as soon as something went wrong, as soon as i failed, i would feel unhappy, depressed, upset, and weak. Thank God my fulfillment is not only his responsibility, but his promise. For as long as I have a God to come home to, I have fulfillment... this guarantee is my hope.
Deuces...IN Him
Christianity is unique in that it positions contentment, joy, and fulfillment not as qualities to strive for, but as gifts to be received if we find ourselves located in the right place, that is, located in God. We don't really have a right to get angry at God if we miss these gifts because we have removed ourselves from the proper place. Nor does it profit us to be angry at ourselves when we "miss our package" because we aren't home at the designated time. Rather, we need to make sure that we return and STAY in the place we need to be so that we can receive the gifts we're entitled to as children of the King, and joint-heirs with Christ.
These videos impacted me, because they all...though in admittedly cheesy ways... depict people "returning home" and in the process, finding that joy, hope, and fulfillment they've been struggling to find:
1) "Pass Me Not"- Fantasia singing...
This song gets me sometimes because it articulates the desperation we feel in finally coming to God. It's like we're saying "Ok God, I came. I'm here. Now I need you to remember your promise and hear me when I'm calling... and ultimately he Always does. Always.
2) "Father Can You Hear Me?" from Tyler Perry's "Diary of a Mad Black Woman"
Watch Video on Youtube: HERE
What I love about this scene (even though I've never seen the movie...shhhh...don't tell it) is that the song starts of with people questioning whether God really hears us, and ends in surrender. At the end of it all, "We will say YES"
3) "Now Behold the Lamb" from the movie " The Gospel"
No matter who we are, where we are, or what we've done, because God loves us with a greater and deeper love than any parent has ever exhibited for any child, anyone and everyone can choose to come back to the place of forgiveness and grace, of hope and joy and of fulfillment. His offer to return to the home he has provided within himself is available to all.
Honestly, I really can't even express with words how much it means that my happiness doesn't come from my ability to make myself smile. My strength doesn't come from my own wherewithal...if it did, as soon as i got tired or as soon as something went wrong, as soon as i failed, i would feel unhappy, depressed, upset, and weak. Thank God my fulfillment is not only his responsibility, but his promise. For as long as I have a God to come home to, I have fulfillment... this guarantee is my hope.
Deuces...IN Him
Friday, August 14, 2009
Cruisin the blogs
So last year I started casually reading blogs. Now I follow like 10 of them on the regular!!! I decided to dedicate this entry to the things i learned just today on a few of the blogs i read:
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One of my favorite blogs is Gospel Pundit cuz they update constantly with the breaking news in the gospel music industry and let u listen to some stuff from up-and-coming artists and new releases from the greats. Today for the first time, I sampled a song called "God is good" (i know....cliché...but still true)...which i thought was pretty catchy, from this Detroit artist, Lisa Page Brooks. I also found some new stuff from J-Moss (a fave) and James Murphy:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I also follow my friend Dan Shin's blog (or online magazine rather) and learned once again that Korea has the upper hand on the U.S. Just look at their McDonalds-
Ridiculosity of a tall cheeseburger:
Clean recycling that doesn't exist in any of the McDonalds I've ever visited...RECYCLING???...Yup:
A magical service to bring McDonalds right to your front door:
Dan you win, Korea IS better...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So i was reading an entry on a blog called Something Within (it's written by this Black lady and i love it cuz she talks about race stuff, politics, and Christianity...my passions) and i scrolled down and found this picture:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of my favorite blogs is Gospel Pundit cuz they update constantly with the breaking news in the gospel music industry and let u listen to some stuff from up-and-coming artists and new releases from the greats. Today for the first time, I sampled a song called "God is good" (i know....cliché...but still true)...which i thought was pretty catchy, from this Detroit artist, Lisa Page Brooks. I also found some new stuff from J-Moss (a fave) and James Murphy:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I also follow my friend Dan Shin's blog (or online magazine rather) and learned once again that Korea has the upper hand on the U.S. Just look at their McDonalds-
Ridiculosity of a tall cheeseburger:
Clean recycling that doesn't exist in any of the McDonalds I've ever visited...RECYCLING???...Yup:
A magical service to bring McDonalds right to your front door:
Dan you win, Korea IS better...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So i was reading an entry on a blog called Something Within (it's written by this Black lady and i love it cuz she talks about race stuff, politics, and Christianity...my passions) and i scrolled down and found this picture:
I don't know why this picture was so hilarious to me....maybe it's because of the yellow floral vest and pepto-bismol-pink flooding pants....maybe it's that I was wondering exactly how up far her socks can possibly go.....or maybe it's cuz she has a huge cigar haggin out her mouth and she's like 100 years old....for whatever the reason though, i felt the need to share this with you, lol.
Deuces...In Him
Deuces...In Him
Saturday, August 8, 2009
All my guys :)
So i woke up this morning thinking about, well no, rewind, i woke up this morning, hollered at Jesus for a minute, and then thought about all the guys I've been blessed to meet in college. It's not such a random thought, cuz one of my friends from high school is gettin married today and the plan is to go to the wedding...that is if i can finish this entry pretty quickly...
I was just thinking, if u combined the good parts of all my male friends...that would be one amazing guy. I decided to do a quick run through of the males I've become friends with (slash a couple of whom i've fallen for...and then picked myself up from, lol) in the last three years of school and summer :
Marcus: Black...well, mixed. Extremely passionate about God, great listener and problem solver. Easy to connect with.
George: Black. Really nice, honest, caring, loves God, great artist = very creative.
Jerred: White. Crazy. Genuine. Will definitely make females feel special. Loves God more than anything. Also a Pastor's Kid. Loves music/ gives great serenades. Easy to talk to. Trustworthy. Loves kids. Asked me to marry him if we're still single by age 37...then dropped it to 30...silly Jerred.
Miles: Black. Can do the impossible! Determined, tenacious, ambitious, great listener when he's around, a natural leader. Likes to shop almost as much as I do. Polite and chilvarous. Probably the person I identify most with and understand the best.
Adrian: Black. Hidden gem. Very creative and smart. Probably the funniest guy I've ever met. Shares my love of music/singing and connects with gospel music. Laid back yet engaging. Loves God. Really loves his family. Tells stories very well. Generally interests me.
Kellyn: Black. Incredibly gifted and intelligent. Shows acute interest in who/what he wants. Uses action to support words = not just talk. Easy to connect and spend time with. Articulate. Shares political/race consciousness. Can talk to him all night long...and have...twice.
Sherrick: Black. Athletic by nature and profession. Thoughtful, funny, entertaining. Enjoys music/ understands gospel and gospel rap, and really lives for God. Tells you exactly what he thinks. Generally motivated and passionate.
Now all of these guys, just like all people have drawbacks too...and some of them are pretty serious, but overall, I've been blessed to know a great group of males.
What occured to me though...well actually 2 things stood out to me:
#1) All these guys but one self-identify as Black. Though I have female friends of all races, and even share a pretty divese inner circle as far as females go, my close male friends are overwhelmingly Black....but then I've always really valued Black males. This list sort of made me question exactly why though. Not that it's bad to share a high appreciation for Black males, especially when most of society doesn't... but what is it specifically that makes them seem soooo special to me? I don't know how to pinpoint an answer to that question...
and #2) I guess I have really high standards...I want it all. The perfect guy is the combination of all the people I've mentioned above. Even if i don't necessarily find all of these guys attractive or want to be with them in life, these qualities, and especially the love for God and the sincere desire to live for him and connection to him through music IS Attractive to me.
What I'm realizing though, is just like I know all these great guys, when the time is right, God will let the guy who is the intersection of all these things find me...and hopefully, by that time, I'll be the embodiment of those values that matter most to him as well. Not that I'm expecting the "perfect man" by society's standards, or that I expect to be "perfect" for him by those standards...but I believe it's right for me to expect the person that is perfect For me...flaws and all...cuz I certainly have lots of them myself.
I'm learning to embrace the mantra "good things come to those who wait"...I hope mystery person is "waiting" for his good thing...cuz im waiting for mine :)
Deuces...In Him
I was just thinking, if u combined the good parts of all my male friends...that would be one amazing guy. I decided to do a quick run through of the males I've become friends with (slash a couple of whom i've fallen for...and then picked myself up from, lol) in the last three years of school and summer :
Marcus: Black...well, mixed. Extremely passionate about God, great listener and problem solver. Easy to connect with.
George: Black. Really nice, honest, caring, loves God, great artist = very creative.
Jerred: White. Crazy. Genuine. Will definitely make females feel special. Loves God more than anything. Also a Pastor's Kid. Loves music/ gives great serenades. Easy to talk to. Trustworthy. Loves kids. Asked me to marry him if we're still single by age 37...then dropped it to 30...silly Jerred.
Miles: Black. Can do the impossible! Determined, tenacious, ambitious, great listener when he's around, a natural leader. Likes to shop almost as much as I do. Polite and chilvarous. Probably the person I identify most with and understand the best.
Adrian: Black. Hidden gem. Very creative and smart. Probably the funniest guy I've ever met. Shares my love of music/singing and connects with gospel music. Laid back yet engaging. Loves God. Really loves his family. Tells stories very well. Generally interests me.
Kellyn: Black. Incredibly gifted and intelligent. Shows acute interest in who/what he wants. Uses action to support words = not just talk. Easy to connect and spend time with. Articulate. Shares political/race consciousness. Can talk to him all night long...and have...twice.
Sherrick: Black. Athletic by nature and profession. Thoughtful, funny, entertaining. Enjoys music/ understands gospel and gospel rap, and really lives for God. Tells you exactly what he thinks. Generally motivated and passionate.
Now all of these guys, just like all people have drawbacks too...and some of them are pretty serious, but overall, I've been blessed to know a great group of males.
What occured to me though...well actually 2 things stood out to me:
#1) All these guys but one self-identify as Black. Though I have female friends of all races, and even share a pretty divese inner circle as far as females go, my close male friends are overwhelmingly Black....but then I've always really valued Black males. This list sort of made me question exactly why though. Not that it's bad to share a high appreciation for Black males, especially when most of society doesn't... but what is it specifically that makes them seem soooo special to me? I don't know how to pinpoint an answer to that question...
and #2) I guess I have really high standards...I want it all. The perfect guy is the combination of all the people I've mentioned above. Even if i don't necessarily find all of these guys attractive or want to be with them in life, these qualities, and especially the love for God and the sincere desire to live for him and connection to him through music IS Attractive to me.
What I'm realizing though, is just like I know all these great guys, when the time is right, God will let the guy who is the intersection of all these things find me...and hopefully, by that time, I'll be the embodiment of those values that matter most to him as well. Not that I'm expecting the "perfect man" by society's standards, or that I expect to be "perfect" for him by those standards...but I believe it's right for me to expect the person that is perfect For me...flaws and all...cuz I certainly have lots of them myself.
I'm learning to embrace the mantra "good things come to those who wait"...I hope mystery person is "waiting" for his good thing...cuz im waiting for mine :)
Deuces...In Him
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Randomized thought spewing
So honestly there is no real point to this post other than I really feel like writing and have sort of been having a lot of random thoughts today/ lately. I should probably start off by saying that just like my previous post wasn't really boy-friendly, this probably isn't gonna be too non-Christian friendly/ it probably isn't that relevant to anybody outside of my head. No cool videos or movies or stories. This post is for me....so don't feel obligated to read it cuz all imma do is jump around a lot just like when im thinkin...unless ur just nosy....or interested in my randomness...or bored...
**Summer has helped me realize that last school year contained very little alone time/ pretty much no time for me to just sit and think. I've discovered that i have kinda a weird/unique personality type in that i love to be around people and especially friends but am incredibly introverted at the same time. Introverted not in the sense of being shy, cuz im definitely not shy...i can be pretty crazy, but i need space and time to myself not to go crazy for real. Some people are externally motivated and others internally. I need "me time" to really remember who "me" is and be effective in life. So while i feel like is summer is kinda a big fail in terms of being productive (i.e. holding down a job) its been good in helping me re-establish a routine that includes taking time to pray/think/reflect/meditate on the Word and even write a bit.
**More and more I understand how you really do become like the things you surround yourself with. If the things I watch or listen to, if the people i surround myself with, if my aspirations and dreams and thought are not positive, or do not create a positive atmosphere, it is unrealistic to expect positivity as a result. On the other hand, "if I surround myself with positive things, i'll gain prosperity" courtesy of Destiny's Child who clearly took the idea from the Bible (think Philippians 4: 8) If i want happiness, peace, joy, fulfillment etc, the people and things i surround myself with need to be about those things...
** Im finding it more and more annoying:
- #1 that people think its ok to be Sunday morning Christians...like i said on fb, a Sunday morning religion is more of a hobby than it is anything else. When we give God our lives do we say "ok God imma give you one day a week and do what i do all the other days" or is that something that develops as we try to walk double lives? I realize this might sound harsh...or judgemental or something...and it is...but realize im talking to everybody... myself included...the concept is just dumb....point blank period. Let's either be completely sold out, or pretend to own our own lives. To do both, that is, to kinda own our own lives but sell ourselves out every once in a while sounds like whore-ness to me...like "ok God, how much will u give me if I give you 24 hours...or more like 12 hours of my time?"...disrespectful.
- #2 that some people walk away from church because all they hear is "do better" or "be better" without much of an explanation as to what that means...and the cause of that:
- #3 that some churches seemingly really do expect people to be great all by themselves or at least with their own effort under the guise of accepting God's help...this completely ignores the concept of your job being to "let go and let God" do his thing in ur life...the more u let go, the more he works... the "better" u become. Ignoring the whole God thing is kinda nonsense...especially for a church...folks be so motivated to work on themselves, making resolutions, promisin they gonna stop this, that and the other, and their hearts are really in the right place. I know for me at least, i can probably count a dozen times when i've said "ok Ary, here's how the rest of ur life is gonna be: you're gonna be better. Stop doin foolishness and be great." Like me sayin it for the 12th or 13th time is gonna have a different result from any of the other times. My resolutions are based upon my plans and my willpower...and for as strong-willed i am, and as determined as i can be, eventually im gonna give up, im gonna fail, im gonna sin... cuz im human...and i'm relying on me and not on Him. My life just flows so much better when it is centered in an everflowing lifesource outside of myself. Joining with God means he handles business with me, and in my case, often, for me. I like that in this relationship giving up means winning and not losing.
** Music is that THING!!! The more time i spend on this earth, the deeper in love i fall with music. Especially gospel because it often expresses the exact sentiment i want to say to God or to encourage myself. From reminding myself that "Praise is What i Do" to just saying "Thank you Jesus" or proclaiming that is gonna be " A lovely Day" or crying "I Need You Now", music helps me connect with my own thoughts and with God in a way that nothing else seems to do. Thank you Lord for music.
** I know that fear doesn't make sense and is really just a waste of energy, but i am a little...nervous about the future. I mean im really excited too, not knowing exactly what life is gonna bring me...knowing that the good will outweigh the bad, yet not being able to see a second in front of me, let alone a year or the next couple years. As a rule i don't tend to like uncertainty because I pretty much like to know everything...always...always.
**Speaking of the unseen, I need more faith in my life = i need more Word in my life = i need more God in my life...yeah God, i'd like more of u please :-)
** Oh relationships...
** I really like babies...and kids...and pretty much people of all ages. I can't wait to be a mom. I mean i have to wait. I'm not exactly ready...cuz im not married and stuff. Nonetheless, babies are God's gift...and i love presents.
So what have we learned???... That apparently some of these posts will contain no actual lesson and will instead be a collection of random thoughts from Ary's head. Ary decided she likes sharing random thoughts...and talking in the third person...ok im gettin tired, so:
Deuces...In Him
**Summer has helped me realize that last school year contained very little alone time/ pretty much no time for me to just sit and think. I've discovered that i have kinda a weird/unique personality type in that i love to be around people and especially friends but am incredibly introverted at the same time. Introverted not in the sense of being shy, cuz im definitely not shy...i can be pretty crazy, but i need space and time to myself not to go crazy for real. Some people are externally motivated and others internally. I need "me time" to really remember who "me" is and be effective in life. So while i feel like is summer is kinda a big fail in terms of being productive (i.e. holding down a job) its been good in helping me re-establish a routine that includes taking time to pray/think/reflect/meditate on the Word and even write a bit.
**More and more I understand how you really do become like the things you surround yourself with. If the things I watch or listen to, if the people i surround myself with, if my aspirations and dreams and thought are not positive, or do not create a positive atmosphere, it is unrealistic to expect positivity as a result. On the other hand, "if I surround myself with positive things, i'll gain prosperity" courtesy of Destiny's Child who clearly took the idea from the Bible (think Philippians 4: 8) If i want happiness, peace, joy, fulfillment etc, the people and things i surround myself with need to be about those things...
** Im finding it more and more annoying:
- #1 that people think its ok to be Sunday morning Christians...like i said on fb, a Sunday morning religion is more of a hobby than it is anything else. When we give God our lives do we say "ok God imma give you one day a week and do what i do all the other days" or is that something that develops as we try to walk double lives? I realize this might sound harsh...or judgemental or something...and it is...but realize im talking to everybody... myself included...the concept is just dumb....point blank period. Let's either be completely sold out, or pretend to own our own lives. To do both, that is, to kinda own our own lives but sell ourselves out every once in a while sounds like whore-ness to me...like "ok God, how much will u give me if I give you 24 hours...or more like 12 hours of my time?"...disrespectful.
- #2 that some people walk away from church because all they hear is "do better" or "be better" without much of an explanation as to what that means...and the cause of that:
- #3 that some churches seemingly really do expect people to be great all by themselves or at least with their own effort under the guise of accepting God's help...this completely ignores the concept of your job being to "let go and let God" do his thing in ur life...the more u let go, the more he works... the "better" u become. Ignoring the whole God thing is kinda nonsense...especially for a church...folks be so motivated to work on themselves, making resolutions, promisin they gonna stop this, that and the other, and their hearts are really in the right place. I know for me at least, i can probably count a dozen times when i've said "ok Ary, here's how the rest of ur life is gonna be: you're gonna be better. Stop doin foolishness and be great." Like me sayin it for the 12th or 13th time is gonna have a different result from any of the other times. My resolutions are based upon my plans and my willpower...and for as strong-willed i am, and as determined as i can be, eventually im gonna give up, im gonna fail, im gonna sin... cuz im human...and i'm relying on me and not on Him. My life just flows so much better when it is centered in an everflowing lifesource outside of myself. Joining with God means he handles business with me, and in my case, often, for me. I like that in this relationship giving up means winning and not losing.
** Music is that THING!!! The more time i spend on this earth, the deeper in love i fall with music. Especially gospel because it often expresses the exact sentiment i want to say to God or to encourage myself. From reminding myself that "Praise is What i Do" to just saying "Thank you Jesus" or proclaiming that is gonna be " A lovely Day" or crying "I Need You Now", music helps me connect with my own thoughts and with God in a way that nothing else seems to do. Thank you Lord for music.
** I know that fear doesn't make sense and is really just a waste of energy, but i am a little...nervous about the future. I mean im really excited too, not knowing exactly what life is gonna bring me...knowing that the good will outweigh the bad, yet not being able to see a second in front of me, let alone a year or the next couple years. As a rule i don't tend to like uncertainty because I pretty much like to know everything...always...always.
**Speaking of the unseen, I need more faith in my life = i need more Word in my life = i need more God in my life...yeah God, i'd like more of u please :-)
** Oh relationships...
** I really like babies...and kids...and pretty much people of all ages. I can't wait to be a mom. I mean i have to wait. I'm not exactly ready...cuz im not married and stuff. Nonetheless, babies are God's gift...and i love presents.
So what have we learned???... That apparently some of these posts will contain no actual lesson and will instead be a collection of random thoughts from Ary's head. Ary decided she likes sharing random thoughts...and talking in the third person...ok im gettin tired, so:
Deuces...In Him
Friday, July 17, 2009
Poppin' out!!!
So, I haven't updated in a while partially because I haven't really felt the best these last couple days...but I do have a short slighty embarrassing story to share (warning in advance to male readers, tampons present, but it's kinda funny and there's a lesson involved i promise!) :
Today I went to Norris to take care of some NCE stuff at SOFO (the accounting office) and eat lunch. I purposely picked a table in the corner of the downstairs food court area so that I could do a quick switch, and secretly throw a tampon (i'mma just call it a thingy) sitting in my bag into my wallet which would be easier to carry to the washroom. Now any of u that have seen my wallet know how prettiful it is and how much I love it...but my feelings about it might have to change since this afternoon. What had happened was, the "thingy" didn't quite fit into my wallet, which isn't really big enough to hold a "thingy" in the first place, but i was determined to make it fit....so by the time it finally snapped shut, i had forgot what i was doin. All i could think about was my growling stomach that was angry at me for not having eatin all day. So I went to this sandwich place, close to where the grill is, and ordered a California chicken club....Man that sandwich was too fye, even without the bacon (i gave up pork at the beginning of the summer...at least for a while). So I got the plate with the sandwich on it in one hand, the chips in my other hand that held my wallet, and the bottled water nestled between my arm and my side and went up to the register. Right when i was about to step up to the lady at the register, this guy jumped in front of me, so i walked over to the guy at the register on the other side of the counter and handed him the paper with my order on it. He rang it up and told me the total. With my hands being so full it's a good thing I had my wallet in my hand. What might not have been such a good thing is that when i pressed the button to pop open my wallet to get out the money, instead of money a big, fat tampon came flying out into the man's face. My response: "oops."
Here's what I learned: big fat thingys don't belong in my wallet/ the real lesson = Don't be trynna hide stuff, cuz the things you try your hardest to keep secret will come POPPIN' out when u least expect it!!!
Deuces...In Him
Today I went to Norris to take care of some NCE stuff at SOFO (the accounting office) and eat lunch. I purposely picked a table in the corner of the downstairs food court area so that I could do a quick switch, and secretly throw a tampon (i'mma just call it a thingy) sitting in my bag into my wallet which would be easier to carry to the washroom. Now any of u that have seen my wallet know how prettiful it is and how much I love it...but my feelings about it might have to change since this afternoon. What had happened was, the "thingy" didn't quite fit into my wallet, which isn't really big enough to hold a "thingy" in the first place, but i was determined to make it fit....so by the time it finally snapped shut, i had forgot what i was doin. All i could think about was my growling stomach that was angry at me for not having eatin all day. So I went to this sandwich place, close to where the grill is, and ordered a California chicken club....Man that sandwich was too fye, even without the bacon (i gave up pork at the beginning of the summer...at least for a while). So I got the plate with the sandwich on it in one hand, the chips in my other hand that held my wallet, and the bottled water nestled between my arm and my side and went up to the register. Right when i was about to step up to the lady at the register, this guy jumped in front of me, so i walked over to the guy at the register on the other side of the counter and handed him the paper with my order on it. He rang it up and told me the total. With my hands being so full it's a good thing I had my wallet in my hand. What might not have been such a good thing is that when i pressed the button to pop open my wallet to get out the money, instead of money a big, fat tampon came flying out into the man's face. My response: "oops."
Here's what I learned: big fat thingys don't belong in my wallet/ the real lesson = Don't be trynna hide stuff, cuz the things you try your hardest to keep secret will come POPPIN' out when u least expect it!!!
Deuces...In Him
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Ovens, spilled drinks, and the larger plan
So I have a little story for you-
Once upon a time there lived a kind, beautiful, intelligent and obviously modest young lady named...D'Aryelle. Now D'Ary and her roommate lived in a beautiful apartment in Evanston and loved having people over for dinner. D'Ary's roommate especially loved having friends over for her delicious Tilapia, so tonight that's exactly what she did. After hosting their friends for many enjoyable hours of eating and laughing and generally procrastinating from being productive, D'Ary and her roomate prepared to wind down for the evening and go to bed. As a part of these preparations, D'Ary went to tidying the table from the meal's clutter, and in the process hastily picked up a left-over cup to return it to the kitchen, splashing some of the cups' contents on to the table and unfortunately on to her brand new computer located just a few inches away.
Upset and confused as to how she'd managed to do such a crazy thing, D'Ary went about cleaning up the spilled limeade and made one final trip to the kitchen so as to return the now-wet sponge. Thankful that her computer had barely gotten damp, D'Ary breathed a sigh of relief and almost left the kitchen, until she heard some sort of hissing noise. Glancing over at the stove, she noticed that the oven had never been turned off from food preparations earlier, and immediately turned the knob to the spot that said "off."
Now, what would have happened if D'Ary had never spilled that drink? If she had never made that final trip to the kitchen? If she had not stopped long enough to notice the noise? The oven, which had already been on and empty for hours would have continued to fill the apartment with gas and endangered both D'Ary and her roomate.
Moral of the story: D'Ary was upset about spilling the drink and the risk it might cause her computer, but what appeared momentarily to be a really bad thing might just have saved her life.
Trust God to turn what may appear to be bad into good.
Deuces...In Him
Once upon a time there lived a kind, beautiful, intelligent and obviously modest young lady named...D'Aryelle. Now D'Ary and her roommate lived in a beautiful apartment in Evanston and loved having people over for dinner. D'Ary's roommate especially loved having friends over for her delicious Tilapia, so tonight that's exactly what she did. After hosting their friends for many enjoyable hours of eating and laughing and generally procrastinating from being productive, D'Ary and her roomate prepared to wind down for the evening and go to bed. As a part of these preparations, D'Ary went to tidying the table from the meal's clutter, and in the process hastily picked up a left-over cup to return it to the kitchen, splashing some of the cups' contents on to the table and unfortunately on to her brand new computer located just a few inches away.
Upset and confused as to how she'd managed to do such a crazy thing, D'Ary went about cleaning up the spilled limeade and made one final trip to the kitchen so as to return the now-wet sponge. Thankful that her computer had barely gotten damp, D'Ary breathed a sigh of relief and almost left the kitchen, until she heard some sort of hissing noise. Glancing over at the stove, she noticed that the oven had never been turned off from food preparations earlier, and immediately turned the knob to the spot that said "off."
Now, what would have happened if D'Ary had never spilled that drink? If she had never made that final trip to the kitchen? If she had not stopped long enough to notice the noise? The oven, which had already been on and empty for hours would have continued to fill the apartment with gas and endangered both D'Ary and her roomate.
Moral of the story: D'Ary was upset about spilling the drink and the risk it might cause her computer, but what appeared momentarily to be a really bad thing might just have saved her life.
Trust God to turn what may appear to be bad into good.
Deuces...In Him
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